So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is: sharks, tap water, real relationships...and blueberries.
I’m starting to get nervous. I have my first consultation with a specialist tomorrow. I don’t know what I’m particularly anxious about, other than it’s just...going to the doctor, a new doctor, in a strange place, which I’m not generally a fan of. I mean, they’ve already told me I have cancer, I’m not sure what could be worse. I think I’m worried about them saying, “oh yeah, not only do you have cancer, but it’s everywhere...your mouth, your face, your hair, your butt, just...all over.”
My anxiety, leading up to anything new, is intense, specific, and relentless. My brain is capable of imagining all manner of horrible futures, which I suppose helped prepare me for the bad news I got last week, but also makes living in this time of uncertainty pretty unbearable.
I started taking medication for generalized anxiety a few years ago, but I don’t think it’s any match for this situation. I think the only thing to do is...just breathe and get through it. Luckily, the place I’m going this week has resources for not just the physical aspects of cancer, but the mental ones, as well.
Anxiety is something I’ve always struggled with, and I’m not sure why I waited so long to get help for it. For so long, I just figured this was how everyone felt, and that I was just bad at dealing with it. Surely, everyone got butterflies any time they had to speak up in a meeting. Everyone must imagine countless scenarios before doing...anything. Everyone’s heart must race, practically beating out of their chests, when faced with new situations or stress of any kind. Right?
It wasn’t until after I was diagnosed, when I was talking through all of this stuff with Joe, that it sunk in that...no, it’s not something everyone struggles with. I didn’t have to feel that way all the time. It was mind blowing.
Still, I wish I’d spent more of that time building up a repository of anxiety-busting activities and workarounds. I have some, of course. Meditation, yoga, giving in to the fear and letting my brain imagine the bad scenario and then coming up with a solution for said horrible scenario. These things all work, normally, when, like, I’m stressed about having too much to do at work and my fear is, “what if I don’t meet that deadline?”
I’m finding them woefully lacking when it comes to my new fears, which include:
What if the cancer has spread?
What if they remove the tumor and think they got everything but it comes back later?
What if we fall into financial ruin because our healthcare system is broken (sadly, this one feels the most realistic)?
What if I can’t handle this?
It’s just...a lot to adjust to. This wasn’t even something that was on my mind at all as of a few weeks ago. I’ve gone from wondering what to have for dinner to pondering my own mortality. No wonder I’m exhausted.