looking for the light
I feel kind of strange today. Just...a bit outside my body. Like I know there are all these things I need to do and everything is very serious and I’m doing everything I need to but I feel pretty far removed from it. Which, honestly, is a bit of a relief after the last few days of crying at the drop of a hat.
Not that I think the crying is over. I can feel the tears there and all I really need to do is poke at them in the right way and they’ll come spilling all over everything. I’ve always been an easy crier, though. It doesn’t matter if I’m sad or happy or mad or there’s just someone ELSE crying (even on TV), those tears want to come out. Maybe that’ll get better. I don’t know.
Yesterday, toward the end of the day, I found out my friend’s dog died. I felt terrible, for obvious reasons, but also because yesterday is when I told my friends that I have cancer, and I hate having added bad news to her day. This morning I woke up to more bad news about a dog at the facility where I volunteer. I know it’s probably because I got such bad news myself this week, but I feel more attuned to the shitty things going on in the world and it just feels like that’s all that is happening. I’m trying not to focus completely on them but I feel desperate for good news.
I freaked out a bit earlier. I feel defeated, already, and I haven’t even really started. I just feel so tired. And sad. And scared. And...I don’t know. I’ve been trying to make an appointment with one doctor for four days now, and they can’t find my paperwork, and it’s so frustrating. And I know there’s just...more of this. That’s what I’m looking forward to for the next…I don’t know how long. And I just don’t want to. I don’t know how to make this bearable. I feel like my life isn’t my own anymore. The things I used to look forward to...going hiking, going to the beach, birding, reading, writing...I just don’t feel it anymore. The doctor who gave me my results said to keep things as normal as possible, and I’m trying, but I also know my life is going to change, completely and wildly and unimaginably, in the coming weeks and months, so it’s hard to focus on the every day things right now. I can barely work up the energy to give a shit about anything.
To help, I am trying to find other things to brighten my day. The sound of the rain falling outside my window. The small foster pup who is asleep beside me. The smell of coffee on a cool morning. The fact that, on this summer day in August, it is rainy and cool and gloomy outside, something I didn’t know I needed until it came. It’s been so hot the last few days (hot for WA, nothing compared to the midwest), and it hasn’t rained much, so all the plants are turning brown and the grass is dry and crunchy. I don’t know that it’s going to rain long enough to help with that, but it helped my mood, which feels like a small miracle at this point.