Little dark cloud

Telling people is the weirdest, hardest part. I feel like a little dark cloud, spreading doom to unsuspecting people who are just going about their day until I come along. I don’t know what else to do, though. People are going to find out eventually, and I’d rather be the one to tell them.

The first few people I told were family, so of course I cried a million tears. Now, each time I tell someone, I tear up a bit, but it’s like I’m building up a callus. It gets a bit tougher each time I announce the news, and I guess I do, too.

I told a few more people today. Hence my thoughts above. I’m just letting it come out with certain people if it feels natural. Other people? I’m specifically contacting them to let them know, and it feels like such a strange thing to be bringing up, out of the blue. “Hey, how are you? Cool cool cool, btw, I have cancer.”

I feel better today. I don’t feel great, really, but much better in comparison to how I felt earlier this week. I think the reality is setting in. This isn’t just going to go away. This is my life now. There’s a lot to deal with and it’s all big and complicated and life changing and I would love to just go back to mindlessly watching The X-Files, please. Can I do that?

I went for a walk earlier, since that was obviously good for me yesterday. I felt much better afterward, almost like normal. I felt just, in a better headspace, really. At some point this week, I moved into planning mode, and planning mode always makes me feel better. I have a notebook now, even! Where I’m keeping track of doctors and appointments and questions I want to ask. It makes me feel better. Like maybe I could pretend to have my shit together during this whole thing.

Last night, just for shits and giggles, I looked up famous people who’ve had oral cancer. Michael Douglas is probably the most famous on the list. And there were others I either didn’t know about or had forgotten, like Adam Yauch and Lana Turner and Roger Ebert. About his cancer, Ebert said, “You play the cards you’re dealt. What’s your choice?”

For some reason, that, out of everything I’ve read or heard since Monday, finally sunk in for me. I think a small (or maybe not so small) part of me was stuck on how unfair this all is. Like I’m being punished for something. But it’s not like anyone who gets cancer deserves it. It just happens. Sure, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. But no one does. And as shitty as it is, there’s no way past it but to go through it and hopefully come out the other side OK.